Hi there. Welcome to our blog. It was about two friends: Elaine and Haley.

Elaine used to be fun and have a life - until she got married, had a baby and stopped having anything interesting to say.

Meanwhile, Haley continued to go out and have adventures, live her life, and try to relate to Elaine. But it was hard. When every phone conversation begins with “you won’t believe what the baby did today…” you find yourself pulling away.

Luckily we both had a sense of humor, loved to insult one another, and write to one another … sharing our thoughts and views on life,

The blog progressed. The relationship deteriorated. Haley died. Under mysterious circumstances. It’s just Elaine now. We hope that Haley is in a better place but given the life she led, not likely.  

Introductions

Elaine according to Haley

From the start, Elaine and I had a beautiful friendship. We had a lot in common. Namely, we were both single and were resigned to die together, side by side. But unfortunately, Elaine fucked up the dynamic when she made a series of the worst mistakes of her life: She fell in love, got married, bought a house, and quit her job. I didn’t think it could get much worse, but then it did.

Last year, Elaine had a baby and ruined my life.

Elaine prays to God that her daughter won’t grow up to emulate her mommy’s questionable track record. Instead, she remains cautiously optimistic that her daughter will prefer to wear a pinafore, play first-chair tuba, and have her bedroom wallpapered with the Periodic Table of the Elements.

Baby G will undoubtedly be mortified when she learns that her mommy used to raid the medicine cabinets of unsuspecting geriatrics, such as her parents, her parents’ friends, her parents’ neighbors, her parents’ neighbors’ friends, her in-laws, and her senile 90-year-old great aunt at the nursing home.

These days, Elaine’s agenda more or less consists of “The View,” a nightly gallon of cheap chardonnay, and obsessing over how many points she has left on her Weight Watchers diet. And if that isn’t lame enough, she also spends time crafting the perfect scheme to befriend Oprah and writing lengthy e-mails to Barbara Walters. Pathetic.

E-mail Elaine

Haley according to Elaine  (May she rest in piece)

Contrary to what Haley said, it took me several months to convince her to be my friend. She was a very fashionable hipster. The type who hung out with skinny guys in bands that wore retarded “ironic” t-shirts. I, on the other hand, chose to protest conformity in a different way, and apparently, a girl who enjoys the occasional pair of Gap cords is not the kind of girl Haley wants to be seen in public with. So it took some time.

My life may not be as “colorful” as Haley’s, but let’s face it; at the end of the day would you rather be Elvis (Very colorful life but died alone on a toilet) or Tony Bennett (perhaps not as colorful but still going strong at eighty with a hot young wife)?

Haley could be described as the alternative version of Paris Hilton. She is petite, with big blue eyes and blond hair. She thinks she has the biggest boobs ever (“I can never find bikinis that fit because I need a really small bottom and a really big top”). Her hobbies include striking poses while pouting her lips and looking at herself in the mirror.

Sadly, Haley is quickly becoming an exercise bulimic. She’s not willing to give up food entirely, so she spends hours on end working out. I’m not exaggerating when I say that if Haley doesn’t get to the gym before happy hour, she will get there after…even drunk.

Years ago, when Haley and I started hanging out, I, too, was a single party girl. At the time, I enjoyed nothing more than sitting at a bar with a glass of wine listening to every ridiculous detail of her sex/dating life. What he said, then what she said, and so on and so on.

But then I fell in love, got married and had a child. My perspective has changed a bit. Honestly, if Haley starts one more phone conversation with “I met the hottest guy…” I may blow my brains out. And she never listens to my advice. I’m at the point where I just nod my head approvingly and say “Sure Haley, I think it’s adorable to send cute little text messages until 3 a.m. to a guy you just met. I’m sure he left his phone at home which is why he is not responding to the ‘you’re so hot’ or ‘I’m feeling naughty’ messages you send. Keep it up my friend.

For years, Haley has tried to convince me of the number of people who hate her. Men whose advances she ignored (not many) and women jealous of her good looks and wit. I would always try to reassure her. “Haley they don’t hate you” I would say. Come to find out, THEY DO HATE HER!! I can’t tell you the number of weddings, parties, and events I have not been invited to because of my relationship with Haley. It’s kind of like the “Sex and City” episode where Samantha gets banished from the New York Social Scene for screwing some society wife’s husband. Pretend I’m Samantha’s friend. You get the idea.

Sadly, Haley’s now dead. She lives with us in spirit and for those of you new to the ICKH world - here is her obituary: 

Haley X

Born on September 11, 1978, Haley X lived a short life and died on July 1st, 2008 at the young age of 29. Though most people were surprised by Haley’s untimely death, it would probably come as no surprise to her. Haley had been known to say "I’ll be lucky if I make it past 20." In fact, she wrote a short story in the fifth grade with that title. 

The story won Haley a scholarship to attend a summer school for young writers at Yale. But after reading the short story, her parents decided to send Haley away to a residential mental health facility instead. It was during these glorious weeks away from home and undergoing intensive therapy, that young Haley fell in love for the first time. This love coincided with her first heartbreak. Haley’s first love was with a troubled youth named "Josh," the son of two divorced psychologists.

With little money, family, or inhibitions to speak of, Haley was remarkably accepted into college. After graduating, she began her lifelong career helping the homeless. It was during this time that she met Elaine. Some say Elaine was the final nail in Haley’s coffin and their "blog" is what caused Haley’s early demise.

One fateful day, in August 2007, Elaine came up with an idea:

E: Let’s create a blog.

H: Sure. Sounds good.

E: The blog will be about how I got married and got everything I wanted in life, but how you are forever single and will never find happiness. It will be hilarious!!!!

H: It will?

E: Only problem: I don’t know how to use a computer.

H: …

E: I won’t let that stop me.

Elaine had a real "go-getter" attitude about the blog. Elaine often saw her name in lights. She imagined that she and Haley would become famous and perhaps star in a Broadway musical about their friendship. She imagined doing a synchronized dance on the stage with Haley … Both of them could wear sexy tuxedos, with top hats, and canes. Elaine even fantasized that Haley was actually coordinated enough to perform a simple choreographed tap dance. Elaine imagined an entourage of adoring fans begging for her autograph. The blog was going to make her famous. She knew it. God damn it if Haley was going stop Elaine from fame and fortune!!! Over her dead body!!! (But really, it was over Haley’s. How sad.)

Perhaps with Haley now out of the way, Elaine can take the opportunity to write Haley’s biography and get some notoriety that way. Or perhaps she will leave her own life and assume Haley’s, now that Haley is finally dead. Hard to say. But one thing is for sure: Haley was found dead on the floor of her apartment. The murder is still under investigation, but she was repeatedly struck in the head with a brick-sized frozen object.  Neighbors claim to have seen a flustered woman leave the building. The woman was muttering something about what "Nathan" was going to make her for dinner now that she had ruined her pizza…

In my recent search for background information on this wonderful and creative young woman, Haley, I haven’t come up with much. It seems she was estranged from her family. I looked through her possessions to find a shoe box labeled "love letters." As I made my way through it, I found only two:

One was written on a piece of cardboard that said: YOU BITCH, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU BROKE UP WITH ME ON THE PHONE.

The other was typed, with the Oregon State Penitentiary as the return address, which read: When I get out, I am going to find you. If it’s the last thing I do.

In attempt to learn more, I read Haley’s journal. A work of tragedy. For a woman who went to college and pretended to write - she couldn’t spell a word. The journal was clearly the work of an illiterate.

Her last entry was brief:

God kill me. I will die alone.

I suppose God was finally listening, Haley. Rest in Peace.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Readers,

As you can imagine, this has been a very sad time for Elaine. Sure, it’s sad that Haley’s dead and everything. Everyone mourns in their own way… As I was getting my party on at a 4th of July Celebration, I poured some of my Old English out in her honor. Haley, you will be missed. May you be in Heaven for half an hour before the devil knows your dead…

So there you have it: Haley’s dead. Her death was suspicious. I’m not at liberty to discuss details. The blog lives on. My backyard still looks like shit, my boobs are still saggy and Baby G has been saying “shit” all day after hearing it from me.

Mommy loves you all

Elaine

PS – If Haley’s mom still reads this, she promised me that cool chunky necklace of hers with matching earings. Also, do you think I could have her scarves and gloves? (nothing else fits me).