** We are taking a break from ICKH due to "exhaustion."  While we’re on hiatus, be sure to check out our advice blog - missinyourbusiness.

A brief introduction of Elaine:

Elaine is reformed “bad girl” who, after a decade of Jake, Philip and Derek, finally met and married the love of her life, Nathan…on Craigslist (no you freaks, not on the casual encounters section). Nine months after their marriage, baby G was born. Elaine was a stay-at-home momma for 18 months. During that time, Elaine’s agenda more or less consisted of “The View,” a nightly gallon of cheap chardonnay, and an obsession over how many points she had left on her Weight Watchers diet. She also spent a considerable amount of time crafting the perfect scheme to befriend Oprah and writing lengthy e-mails to Barbara Walters. Pathetic. Elaine recently returned to work as an attorney.  As Elaine often says, "working is hard."  She’s just not a big "worker." She doesn’t really want to "work.". She hopes that Sarah Silverman, Kathy Griffin, or some other funny chick will discover ICKH and hire her to write for them. She fucking hates Weight Watchers and yet, she can’t stop. She was thin for 10 minutes in 1996 and every day aspires to get herself back to that 10 minute period. She’s seriously considering Alli - anal leakage and all. For the most part, Elaine’s friends live very different lives…they are single, still dating losers, and childless. Despite Elaine’s attempts to bond with other mommies, she has been unsuccessful. She’s still trying.

Elaine prays to God that her daughter won’t grow up to emulate her mommy’s questionable track record. Instead, she remains cautiously optimistic that her daughter will prefer to wear a pinafore, play first-chair tuba, and have her bedroom wallpapered with the Periodic Table of the Elements.

Baby G will undoubtedly be mortified when she learns that her mommy used to raid the medicine cabinets of unsuspecting geriatrics, such as her parents, her parents’ friends, her parents’ neighbors, her parents’ neighbors’ friends, her in-laws, and her senile 90-year-old great aunt at the nursing home.

E-mail Elaine 
 
A brief introduction of Sarah:

Sarah is a California native who came to Portland to pursue her “art”. Shamefully, the only thing she’s pursued in the past ten years is loser after loser of overeducated, underemployed Portland men who conveniently manage to meet her right after they’ve a) lost their jobs b) dropped out of school or both. Sarah has a weakness for tall, skinny long haired “creatives” with potential. (potential meaning they could get real jobs and earn a decent living but would rather leach off unsuspecting optimists (Sarah) who believe them when they say, “I’ve had several meetings with a rich New York art dealer who’s interested in sponsoring me/Skylar, the drummer in my band (“Monkey with a dildo” has really connected with an A & R rep for Sonny – we are so on the brink of getting signed…”

Sarah is 5’10 with long black hair and blue eyes. She’s drop dead gorgeous with a body that makes Elaine want to kill her – she never exercises and eats like a pig. Sarah has been obsessed with Stephen Malkmus for 15 years – part of the reason she moved to Portland. She’s determined to marry a rock star and have beautiful little rock star babies. Until then, she will continue to date losers, listen to Elaine scold her about how she can do “so much better” and drink – preferably Vodka Tonics. Sarah has 14 tattoos and a flat butt (which makes Elaine very happy – this is the only physical characteristic where Elaine excels over Sarah.)

Sarah was raised Catholic but has always had a fondness for Jews.