Hi there. Welcome to I Could Kill Her: it started as a humorous blog about two friends,  Elaine and Haley.

When they met, they were both slightly slutty. And single. And excessive drinkers. Life was good. The friendship blossomed. Then, Elaine feel in love with Nathan. They got married and conceived their daughter, Baby G.

Haley stayed single.

In the beginning, ICKH documented the "issues" that arise when one woman marries and has a child, while the other stays single.  The blog progressed. The relationship deteriorated. Haley "died" under mysterious circumstances. It’s just Elaine now. Elaine is currently seeking submissions for a new best friend - preferably a young, hot, single party girl who still likes to date douche bags.

In the meantime, ICKH is lucky to have guest bloggers such as Galatea, Badina, and Patrick - funny people with lots to say.

We hope that Haley is in a better place, but given the life she’s led, not likely.  

A bit about Elaine (according to the formerly living girl that was Haley):

From the start, Elaine and I had a beautiful friendship. We had a lot in common. Namely, we were both single and were resigned to die together, side by side. But unfortunately, Elaine fucked up the dynamic when she made a series of the worst mistakes of her life: She fell in love, got married, bought a house, and quit her job. I didn’t think it could get much worse, but then it did.

Elaine had a baby and ruined my life.

Elaine prays to God that her daughter won’t grow up to emulate her mommy’s questionable track record. Instead, she remains cautiously optimistic that her daughter will prefer to wear a pinafore, play first-chair tuba, and have her bedroom wallpapered with the Periodic Table of the Elements.

Baby G will undoubtedly be mortified when she learns that her mommy used to raid the medicine cabinets of unsuspecting geriatrics, such as her parents, her parents’ friends, her parents’ neighbors, her parents’ neighbors’ friends, her in-laws, and her senile 90-year-old great aunt at the nursing home.

These days, Elaine’s agenda more or less consists of “The View,” a nightly gallon of cheap chardonnay, and obsessing over how many points she has left on her Weight Watchers diet. And if that isn’t lame enough, she also spends time crafting the perfect scheme to befriend Oprah and writing lengthy e-mails to Barbara Walters. Pathetic. Oh yeah…and she’s gone back to work - as a lawyer. As Elaine often says, "working is hard."  She’s just not a big "worker." She doesn’t really want to "work.". She hopes that Sarah Silverman, Kathy Griffin, or some other funny chick will discover ICKH and hire her to write for them. She fucking hates Weight Watchers and yet, she can’t stop. She was thin for 10 minutes in 1996 and every day aspires to get herself back to that 10 minute period. She’s seriously considering Alli - anal leakage and all.

E-mail Elaine

HALEY

Haley’s gone, but with us in spirit. Let’s all pour out a bit of our 40-ouncer in her honor and remember the good times.

Her obituary:

Haley X

Born September 11, 1978, Haley X lived a short life and died on July 1st, 2008 at the young age of 29. Though most people were surprised by Haley’s untimely death, it would probably come as no surprise to her. Haley had been known to say "I’ll be lucky if I make it past 20." In fact, she wrote a short story in the fifth grade with that title. 

The story won Haley a scholarship to attend a summer school for young writers at Yale. But after reading the short story, her parents decided to send Haley away to a residential mental health facility instead. It was during these glorious weeks away from home and undergoing intensive therapy, that young Haley fell in love for the first time. This love coincided with her first heartbreak. Haley’s first love was with a troubled youth named "Josh," the son of two divorced psychologists.

With little money, family, or inhibitions to speak of, Haley was remarkably accepted into college. After graduating, she began her lifelong career helping the homeless. It was during this time that she met Elaine. Some say Elaine was the final nail in Haley’s coffin and their "blog" is what caused Haley’s early demise.

One fateful day, in August 2007, Elaine came up with an idea:

E: Let’s create a blog.

H: Sure. Sounds good.

E: The blog will be about how I got married and got everything I wanted in life, but how you are forever single and will never find happiness. It will be hilarious!!!!

H: It will?

E: Only problem: I don’t know how to use a computer.

H: …

E: I won’t let that stop me.

Elaine had a real "go-getter" attitude about the blog. Elaine often saw her name in lights. She imagined that she and Haley would become famous and perhaps star in a Broadway musical about their friendship. She imagined doing a synchronized dance on the stage with Haley … Both of them could wear sexy tuxedos, with top hats, and canes. Elaine even fantasized that Haley was actually coordinated enough to perform a simple choreographed tap dance. Elaine imagined an entourage of adoring fans begging for her autograph. The blog was going to make her famous. She knew it. God damn it if Haley was going stop Elaine from fame and fortune!!! Over her dead body!!! (But really, it was over Haley’s. How sad.)

Perhaps with Haley now out of the way, Elaine can take the opportunity to write Haley’s biography and get some notoriety that way. Or perhaps she will leave her own life and assume Haley’s, now that Haley is finally dead. Hard to say. But one thing is for sure: Haley was found dead on the floor of her apartment. The murder is still under investigation, but she was repeatedly struck in the head with a brick-sized frozen object.  Neighbors claim to have seen a flustered woman leave the building. The woman was muttering something about what "Nathan" was going to make her for dinner now that she had ruined her pizza…

In my recent search for background information on this wonderful and creative young woman, Haley, I haven’t come up with much. It seems she was estranged from her family. I looked through her possessions to find a shoe box labeled "love letters." As I made my way through it, I found only two:

One was written on a piece of cardboard that said: YOU BITCH, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU BROKE UP WITH ME ON THE PHONE.

The other was typed, with the Oregon State Penitentiary as the return address, which read: When I get out, I am going to find you. If it’s the last thing I do.

In attempt to learn more, I read Haley’s journal. A work of tragedy. For a woman who went to college and pretended to write - she couldn’t spell a word. The journal was clearly the work of an illiterate.

Her last entry was brief:

God kill me. I will die alone.

I suppose God was finally listening, Haley. Rest in Peace.

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Dear Readers,

As you can imagine, this has been a very sad time for Elaine. Sure, it’s sad that Haley’s dead and everything. Everyone mourns in their own way…

So there you have it: Haley’s dead. Her death was suspicious. I’m not at liberty to discuss details. The blog lives on. My backyard still looks like shit, my boobs are still saggy and Baby G has been saying “shit” all day after hearing it from me.

Mommy loves you all

Elaine

PS – If Haley’s mom still reads this, she promised me that cool chunky necklace of hers with matching earings. Also, do you think I could have her scarves and gloves? (nothing else fits me).